I know, I know: it's only April, and already I haven't met my goal of posting once a month. So, I owe you posts, and posts you shall receive! I started this blog mostly as an outlet to write about my life as a mom, a lawyer, and a military spouse, and in hopes that maybe others could relate and would enjoy it from time to time. Lately, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the intersection of those 3 roles in my life, and today I'd like to write about a struggle I'm in the middle of right now.
It is always easy (for me, at least) to look back on experiences in a positive light - to say how everything happens for a reason, how everything worked out for the best, and how very blessed we all are. For example, looking back on my last FULL time job - now 2 years ago - it is easy for me to talk about how much I enjoyed the people and the work, and how very fortunate I was to find that job. But at the time? There were 3 months of unemployment and job searching, during which I stressed constantly about money - needlessly, as it turns out we had enough with my husband's salary, but it was still real stress. Then I started my job as the only junior associate in my office. The day after my husband deployed. It was lonely. Really lonely. There was a lot of self doubt as I worked to get up to speed and prove myself at the firm. I was in a new city. I didn't have real friends yet. And when I went home at night, the person I would normally share the day's triumphs and frustrations with was halfway around the world. There were tears. Most days. I wanted to quit. I didn't quit, and I'm so very glad I didn't quit, but the point is that hindsight is often lovely even after some very real struggles. So, for once, I'm going to write in the midst of the struggle, in hopes that one day I'll be able to look back on this very post and talk about how beautifully everything worked out for the best.
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| 5:00 PM in the private practice world |
When my husband and I relocated for his "shore tour," I had no intentions of working full time at a big law firm. My hours in private practice could be quite demanding, and while that was fine when my husband spent over half the year deployed anyway, during THIS tour, I wanted time to enjoy our marriage and to just enjoy having dinner together and all of our weekends free. So, despite many offers of assistance and potential leads, I did not look for work when we moved. Shortly after the move, we found out I was pregnant with our first child. I had always intended to spend at least the first year of my theoretical future child's life at home, so I took a few contract gigs during my pregnancy, but continued my not looking for work. I'll be honest: the transition from working at least 50+ hours a week to... not, was tough. I was bored and lonely at times during my pregnancy. I missed the working world more than I thought I would.
Then, my daughter was born. The days got much more busy. I took on several major volunteer commitments. I did some more contract work. She grew, and suddenly her activities - play dates, mommy and me classes, and trips to the library, park, farm, you name it - started to rapidly fill our days. Suddenly, I profoundly appreciated being able to stay at home. I've seen all of her firsts - the first time she smiled, laughed, rolled over, crawled, waved, walked, everything. I was there. I didn't miss a thing. It literally brings tears to my eyes I feel so fortunate.
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| SCOTUS Admission Day |
Now my little one is nearly a year and a half old, and I have started to VERY slowly test the waters regarding going back to work - chatting about the possibility with former coworkers and other moms of young children, talking it over with my husband, cleaning up my resume. But even before I have seriously begun consideration of this topic, it is already anguishing. Some days, I can feel the weight of my law degree (and THREE bar admissions...and did I mention all the dues payments?) hanging over my head. What on earth did I get all of those things for if not to practice law? Don't I have some sort of duty to society to be using those skills that I worked so hard to develop? Plus, I was a pretty decent junior associate, I hear. I had some talent, which I actually really enjoyed working on. I don't want those skills to get terribly rusty. Nerdy as it may be, I miss legal research, crafting arguments, writing briefs. I do. Some days I get glimpses of my former life - like last year, when I had the opportunity to be sworn in to the bar of the Supreme Court of the United States and watch oral arguments there. On those days, I miss it a lot. On those days, I resolve to get back into it.
Plus, there's the money. We live comfortably on my husband's salary, and we are even still able to fund multiple retirement accounts, savings accounts, and our daughter's college savings plan. For that, there aren't even words adequate to express my thankfulness. But just imagine what we could be doing if I was making private practice money again (let's ignore the outrageous cost of childcare for a moment). Huge contributions to her college savings, more cushion in our savings accounts, little splurges on meals out and luxury items without worry, big vacations (that is, if I ever had the time to take them). Do I owe it to my daughter to be making a bigger financial contribution to our family when I know that I could do so?
That sounds logical and wonderful and terrible and selfish to me all at the same time. Do I owe it to her to make more money? What about spending time with her? Don't I owe it to her to spend as much time as possible with her? Would the things I could give her make up for the fact that I wouldn't see her at all some days? Is it fair to go from spending all day every day with her to putting her in full time child care? I didn't go to daycare as a child, and I had a very happy childhood. Do I owe it to my daughter to try to replicate that as best as I can? Surely there is nothing more valuable to her right now that her mother's time and attention - especially in light of her father's unpredictable... let's call it work schedule.
But then, wouldn't being a practicing female attorney be an awesome example for a young girl? Don't I want her to see and to know that she can be anything, do anything, and achieve anything she sets her mind to? Shouldn't I show her that I can be a wife, a mother, and a lawyer, and do them all well (setting aside, for the moment, the question of whether I can, in fact, do all 3 well at the same time)?
Now, toss in the fact that we are a military family, due to move again within the next 12 months, and again a few years later (and again a few years later - you get the picture). That adds additional stress and difficulty to the process of even finding a job, and also compounds my concerns about affording my daughter as much stability in her life as I possibly can.
You just spent about 5 minutes on any given day inside my head. And it repeats more times than I would like to admit.
This is a post that won't come to a neat and tidy conclusion. I honestly haven't decided what to do yet. To the outside world, it must look like I'm stalling. Or lazy. Or just not motivated to do anything about my career. To those who know me, I hope they know that none of those are true. It's just a decision I'm not yet ready to make.
Right now, in this moment, I'm not ready to be at work full time. A few years ago, the stress of a law practice was something on which I thrived. The deadlines, the partners, the clients, the cases - keeping all the balls in the air was something that pushed me to always do better. Right now, I know myself well enough to know that I would not be thriving under the stress. Added to the stress of leaving my daughter in someone else's care, I would crumble under it right now, in this moment. I would be neither the attorney nor the mother I want to be. So right now, I focus on mothering.
But, unlike a year and a half ago, I am at the point that I'm ready to think about working again. I'm ready to start talking about the options. To start exploring what I could do or would want to do if I go back. I'm taking baby steps (no pun intended), and I don't know where they will lead.
Right now I know that I am a lawyer. Being a mom doesn't take that away from me. Even not practicing law doesn't take that away from me. I earned that with 2 degrees, 2 bar exams, 3 bar admissions, 4 court admissions, and all the hard work I have done. I am also a mother. Nothing can ever take that away from me. Going back to work won't change that, nor will continuing to stay home. I'll be my daughter's mother forever, and I love that. And I'm a military wife. While a lot of people see that as a negative when looking for a job, I will always strive to cast it as a positive. I am creative, resilient, determined, and successful, because I have to be. Who wouldn't want that in an employee?
This post is pretty scattered and very open-ended, as are my thoughts these days. Today, I am mostly venting - thinking "on paper" instead of in my head. Maybe some of you are in a similar place and can relate to the constant back-and-forth - the feeling that no decision is the right one. Maybe some of you have made this decision already. Maybe you are working full time, conquering your career and raising your children to be proud of and inspired by all that you are. Maybe you are staying home with your children full time, delighting in accompanying them on play dates and field trips, and still undoubtedly raising them to be proud of and inspired by all that you are. In either case, I salute and admire you. Maybe you don't have children yet, and this post sounds a little nuts because you're pretty sure you know what you would choose. I was you, and I never imagined how hard this would be.
One day, I hope to look back on this piece and write a new one about how everything happened for a reason and how well it all worked out, but I hope this piece will help me to not forget how real this struggle was and to be sympathetic to others who find themselves in this place. Stay tuned for that.
