Last week was Military Spouse Appreciation Day. And of course that got me thinking and reflecting. And of course thinking and reflecting often leads me to blogging, so here we are.
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When I first got married almost four years ago, I bristled at the idea of being called a "Navy wife." In fact, bristled probably isn't strong enough. I was downright opposed to it. You see, I was nervous enough leaving the state where I had gone to school, and passed the Bar, and walking away from two major law firm job offers to move in with my husband of three months in a state I viewed as Place To Which I Have No Ties and Where I Will Never Get a Job. Please don't get me wrong: I was unbelievably excited to FINALLY live with my husband and stop saying goodbye every Sunday afternoon. I was downright giddy as I drove from Atlanta to Florida that September day in 2010. But, I was also nervous. I was awaiting Florida Bar Exam results and had no job prospects in sight. While I was searching for a job and had plenty of "settling in" to do, I was essentially going to be a housewife for some period of time, and that felt like losing a piece of my hard earned identity. And I thought, after all I've worked for and accomplished, I'll be damned if MY identity is going to become defined by HIS job. I think I even scoffed a bit at the idea that there was a Military Spouse Appreciation Day and a Military Spouse of the Year. My mind was filled with a fierce independence, and while I loved (still do!) my husband with all of my heart, the military just happened to be his job - it didn't define ME to an extent that I felt I deserved recognition of any sort.
Fast forward a bit. I passed the Florida Bar, and lo and behold I did find a job. I actually found an amazing job, and I'd be honored if my readers here would take a look at that journey separately sometime here. It is worthy of its own post. As my husband deployed and I quickly learned more about being a "military spouse," I was equally quickly gaining experience and confidence in my own career. I often said that if I was going to be referred to as a "Navy wife," my husband should have to be known as a "lawyer husband." (Truthfully, he probably should get some sort of recognition for that. It certainly comes with its own set of challenges.) The first year of our marriage went by, and I was more focused on my fast paced work environment than on my role as "Navy wife," though I did send plenty of care packages to the Middle East that year.
But then, I started branching out and becoming increasingly involved with the Officers Spouses Club (OSC) for my husband's squadron. Through it, I met some pretty amazing military spouses. And you know what? I ended up serving two terms on the Board of that OSC and making some of my best friends there. It turns out I kind of liked this military spouse gig!
And there is something to this whole "being a military spouse" thing. While I often say, and wholeheartedly believe, that many, many civilian spouses deal with a frequently absent spouse and have to balance their own careers, child care, etc., with a hard working spouse on the road, it's not exactly the same. The challenges are unique. I have filled out powers of attorney and gone over my husband's will with him before he leaves on a deployment. I have sat up at 3:00 in the morning, trying to look away, but eyes glued to CNN or the BBC while the world fell apart where I knew my husband was. I have felt my heart stop beating for a moment when I heard that he had been involved in an "incident" - even though I heard it from him and knew it couldn't be *that* bad, it was a startling reminder that what he does is not safe. Not always at least. And sometimes not by a long shot. I have celebrated most of my wedding anniversaries so far alone, along with birthdays, other holidays, friends' weddings - you name it. I have assembled care packages, cards, letters, and emails galore while months ticked by that I didn't see my husband.
But before you feel too sorry for me, the rewards are also unique. I have spent long months looking forward to my husband's return. I have decorated my house and yard with dozens of American flags when the day arrived. I have watched a plane pull in, flag flying, bringing him home at last.
I have twice felt my husband hold me so tight that I couldn't breathe. They've been the two greatest hugs of my life.
In my still relatively young military marriage, I have known dread and eager anticipation, loneliness and longing, fear and joy, pride and love, all in degrees I could not have imagined before I lived it. My husband and I have not said our last goodbyes in our marriage. We have not had our last frustrating, constantly-dropping Skype conversation. We have not exchanged our last letters. We have not endured our last deployment.
But we also haven't enjoyed our last homecoming. We haven't felt our last breathtakingly wonderful embrace after months apart. I haven't shed my last tears of pure pride when a flag waves or the National Anthem plays and I stop to think about what my husband and his colleagues do for us all every day. And for that, I am glad.
And at the end of the day, I love it. I really do. It's all worth it. In my years married to my husband, I have had the honor and the privilege to meet, befriend, and work with some outstanding military spouses. I have met several nominees for that Military Spouse of the Year award I once scoffed at, including this year's Army Spouse of the Year. Let me tell you, these individuals and that award are nothing to scoff at. They do incredible work on behalf of military families (like mine), all while balancing the same demands as professionals, parents, military spouses - the list goes on and on. They deserve every ounce of recognition that has come their way.
And maybe, though it's sometimes still hard to admit, I do too. I still believe that there are COUNTLESS people - military and civilian alike - who deserve recognition for the sacrifices they make every day, be those sacrifices for family, for country, for faith, or for something else entirely. And yes, being a military spouse is something I chose, so I don't want your pity. But although it is one I'm proud to walk, it is not always an easy road. And I have finally come to realize that pity and appreciation are not the same thing in this context. And that there is nothing wrong with appreciating someone for something they chose to do. And so, though I've had a wide range of mixed emotions about Military Spouse Appreciation Day, looking not at myself, but at the military spouses I've been fortunate enough to meet along the way, has shown me what a phenomenal group of people they are. I am immensely proud to be among their ranks and to stand with them every day, through every challenge.
So to those who did thank me last week: you're welcome. And thank YOU for recognizing and appreciating a role that took me a while to embrace but that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.
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