Hi, there! Wow, it's been a while since I gave this blog some attention. But, new year, fresh start, right? In 2015, I hope to be a bit more consistent and get some decent content up at least monthly. Turns out being the stay at home parent to a constantly-on-the-go toddler is busier than I thought it would be, but that's no excuse.
Speaking of the toddler, along with the busy holiday season, one of the biggest events of the past couple of months was my daughter's first birthday. We were at my parents' house, since her birthday is quite close to Thanksgiving, and we had a lovely party for her there. It really was exactly everything I had envisioned. And, OK, I'll admit it, the party was every bit as much for us as it was for her. See, Exhibit A:
 |
| Cheers to Baby's First Year! |
Yes, we did it. My husband and I survived our first year as parents. And so did the baby! So let's put a check in that box and raise a glass, shall we? Speaking of checking off boxes, I thought this would be a good time to reflect back on a goal I set many months ago: to love my daughter unconditionally and let the rest fall into place. Did I do that? Not entirely. But without a doubt I love her unconditionally, and I certainly got better at letting the rest fall into place. So, overall, I'll check that box too. While I'm reflecting, I thought I would share a few thoughts on what I learned in my first year as a parent. I'm not sure how much "wisdom" I have to offer only a year into this job, but I think some of this could have helped me a year ago. So here you have it, my own top five.
1. It really does take a village. This, by far, is my biggest take away. Certainly, people do this on their own. And had I been on my own, I would have found a way to survive, because make no mistake: I would do anything for the little girl sleeping down the hall from me. But it would not have been pretty. My village is too big to name or thank here. It includes, of course, my partner in all things, my husband. It includes my parents who went above and beyond their role as doting grandparents to come and stay with me when my husband had to spend extended periods of time overseas this year and while I had surgery 12 weeks postpartum. It includes our extended family who have showered our daughter with love, kindness, gifts, and attention over the past year. And it includes my daughter's and my mommy and baby friends. I first wrote about finding some fellow new mommy friends in Strength in Numbers. Since that post I have graduated from the "new moms" group, and my baby has become a toddler. But what grew out of that new moms group is a playgroup that gives my daughter at least weekly interaction with her very first group of friends, lunch dates, coffee breaks, moms' afternoons out, and the group of women I would without hesitation call my best friends here in Virginia. Without these women and their babies, my daughter and I would have gotten through this year. Because, see above: for her, I would do anything. Failure is not an option. But we would have gotten through it with a lot less laughter, a lot less joy, and - for me - a lot less sanity! So to those in our village named here, THANK YOU. I had no idea looking down at my newborn in a hospital room on a cold November day how much I would need you all. And as for the advice piece? If you're a new parent, find other new parent friends. Do it any way you can. Check your local hospitals for new moms groups. Take a mommy and me yoga class or music class. Go to story time at your local library. Find moms' groups on MeetUp. But find them somewhere.
2. Don't compare your baby to other babies. Except that I know this advice is futile, because you will. I do. I resolved not to, and I still do. It's impossible not to. Especially when you find those new parent friends that I just advised you to find. How could you possibly hang out with other babies the same age as yours and not compare them? You can't. And you won't. But hopefully, over time, you'll learn to do it the way I try to now. At first when I made these comparisons, I panicked. I would come home from the new moms group and say to my husband: so-and-so rolled over today, and she's younger than our baby! Why doesn't our child roll over?! She's clearly developmentally delayed. I probably didn't give her enough tummy time. I don't interact with her enough. I've failed her already. Nope. Turns out she was just a late roller. But by the time she was a year old, she rolled, crawled, stood up, and walked all on her own. Go figure. And what a waste of time and energy all that panicking was! Most of the babies in our playgroup are between 10 and 18 months old right now, and here's what I've learned from all these months of comparing them. Every. Baby. Is. Different. That's it. Really and truly. They're all different, and the fact that one of them does something earlier or later appears to mean absolutely nothing. Looking back now, it seems so trivial that my daughter rolled a few weeks later than most other babies. But at the time, it seemed like everything. So now, when I look around at all of our sweet, loving, amazing baby friends, I marvel at and appreciate how different they all are. I celebrate each of their milestones and have no doubt that each of them will reach each milestone in his or her own time. So try not to compare your baby to the one other baby who is doing things faster. Look at a lot of babies that same age and notice how very different they are. They'll all get there. For now, enjoy whatever stage your baby is in. Turns out all those people who said I would miss the days when she wasn't mobile were right!
3. Don't read too many books. This was some of the advice I specifically mentioned in my post On Teaching, Mothering, and Perfectionism. And I've actually done pretty well with this one. I Google much less, and I haven't picked up What To Expect in months. But, occasionally, I still trip up on this one. I went into my daughter's 12 month doctor's appointment not just a little upset because the "Ages and Stages" questionnaire asked if she was saying at least 3 words as one of the communication milestones. She wasn't. At most she was saying "mama," and I estimated that to be unintentional at least half the time. I nervously brought it up to our pediatrician, who very kindly and patiently looked at me like I was insane. It's fine, she said. Does she make sounds? Yes. Point to things? Yes. Don't worry. I felt silly and relieved all at once (but mostly relieved). So, I got to learn that lesson one more time. But that's OK, because it's a valuable one to learn.
 |
| A rare date night! |
4. Make and take time for all your roles. This one, I don't think I've done as well with. So this section is advice to myself as much as anyone else. I think in the early months of my daughter's life, I put everything I had into being a good mother. Every single drop of energy, every ounce of me, I gave to her. And so I wasn't a very good anything else. I could have been a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister. And, though my husband would tell you otherwise, I could have been a better wife. I was so wholly devoted to nurturing my daughter and building my relationship with her that I neglected most of the other relationships in my life. Luckily, I think most of the people in my life have forgiven me, and if you are among them, I hope you accept my sincere apology. I think I've gotten better on this one too. I make time to keep in touch with family, and often my daughter and I will Skype together with my parents or sister, involving everyone in the conversation. We have been able to find time in our daughter's first year to visit with my 99-year-old grandmother 5 times, including attending her 99th birthday party, to attend my brother-in-law's wedding, to visit my sister where she attends grad school, to continue a tradition of my mother and me celebrating our birthdays together in person, and to celebrate the holidays with family. I could still - though he would still tell you otherwise - be a better wife. This one's on my to-do list in 2015. We have slowly - oh so very slowly - found a few babysitters we trust. So we are slowly - oh so very slowly - starting to go on some date nights. To take some time to nurture our marriage independently of our role as parents. And while I believe that our marriage and our role as parents are inextricably intertwined, I also believe that it's important for my husband and me to make time for ourselves, and we haven't done much of that so far. But we're getting there. So the advice piece of this one (and I should take my own advice) is to try to make and take time for each of your roles. You may be a child, a sibling, a spouse, an employee, an employer, a grandchild, a parent, an aunt or uncle - countless things. And those are all really important parts of who you are. Don't lose sight of them. And don't feel guilty for taking the time to sustain them all. Your child will be better for having a sane and well rounded parent. At least that's my hope!
5. Try to let go of the guilt. Or, at the very least, don't punish yourself for it. Mommy guilt is the most crushing guilt I have ever felt. Prior to being a mother, the worst guilt I ever felt was survivor's guilt. But mommy guilt takes the cake. I have felt guilt over everything and nothing in the past 13 months. Guilt that I left her alone to play on her play mat (in the same room as me) while I checked my email or drank some coffee. Guilt that I wasn't giving her enough independent play time. Guilt that I wasn't working and bringing in extra income to spend on her. Guilt that I somehow still wasn't spending enough time with her. Guilt at the mere idea that I would go back to work someday. Guilt at the thought that I wouldn't. You get the picture. It's overwhelming. At least, it can be. The first step, I think, is to not punish yourself for the guilt the way I did. I felt bad enough with the guilt, and then I felt bad for feeling bad because surely I shouldn't be feeling this way. I remember, for example, when I started the process of weaning from the breast pump when my daughter was between 12 and 13 months old. I felt an incredible amount of guilt and could not understand why because, believe me, I wanted to stop pumping more than anything in the world. I finally read an article explaining how the weaning process causes another major hormonal shift in women that can bring on feelings of intense guilt. And then I felt so relieved - it was like something made it OK for me to feel the way I feel. So, I think step one is to appreciate that there are so many crazy hormones in the first year of motherhood, and all moms have mommy guilt - it's OK. You're OK. Everything is going to be OK. Step two, which is harder, is to, if I may quote Frozen, let it go. Easier said than done, I know. I fail to let it go on a daily basis. But I'm trying. It's also on my ever-growing list for 2015. Because for all these things I felt SO guilty about over the past year, we don't seem to have screwed anything up too monumentally. Our daughter walks, runs, laughs, and is starting to talk. She loves us. She is happy almost all the time. How bad a job can we really be doing? So, if you can, learn from the hours I wasted on guilt, and try to let it go.
And for now, that's enough. If I had known those 5 things when my daughter was born, it probably would have made life easier. But I'm still thankful for every moment of the past 13 months that taught me these lessons. And hey, if I think of more things later, I'll make another post. Because it's my blog, and I do what I want. But seriously: find your village, let your baby be him or herself, make time (not just for the baby!), and let it go. You'll be happier for it.
No comments:
Post a Comment