When I'm Having A Second Child

When I got married, I was 26 years old. I turned 27 a few months later. My husband was 28. We were both young professionals, and I was only one year out of law school. And still it seemed the question came before the ink was dry on our marriage certificate: when are you going to have kids? Parts of that day are a blur, but I'm pretty sure someone actually did ask me that on our wedding day during our reception.

Sign here, here, and when are you having kids?

Amongst my law school classmates and colleagues in the legal world, 27 would have been young to have a child. Most people in their mid- to late- twenties were where I was: working to establish their career before focusing on starting a family. But amongst our military friends and my husband's colleagues, it seemed we were downright ancient to not have kids. I'm not saying we were the only ones, but we were certainly in the minority. The question came up at almost every military event we attended and even in social situations with our military friends. But it wasn't limited to the military context. Friends from high school and college, relatives, and even colleagues in the fast-paced legal world would ask. Frequently. When are you going to have a baby?

I had a ready answer to the question that made a lot of sense to me. In short, it was always: "not now." My husband deployed twice during our first two years of marriage. We celebrated our first anniversary half a world apart. In the first 2 years that we were married, we spent only 13 months living in the same place. I was also in private practice for the first time and working hard to establish myself at the firm. There were late nights and weekends spent in the office, and even when they weren't long, the hours could be unpredictable. During the precious little time that we had together, my husband and I wanted to focus on each other and enjoying our marriage before throwing children into the mix. I was - and still am - very happy that we made the decision not to have children immediately, but the question still got to me a little bit more every time that it was asked. I turned 28, and then 29. The question only came more frequently: when are you going to have children?

In 2013, my husband began a "shore tour" during which he would not be deploying for 6-8 months at a time as he had been in the first few years of our marriage. We moved, so I left my job and took a step back from the world of private practice for a while. This, we decided, was the time to focus on starting a family. So, we did. Our first child was born when I was 30 years old, my husband was 31, and we had been married for three years. Finally, I thought, the question would stop. We had the child it seemed everyone had been waiting for (and indeed that we had longed dreamed of but wanted to have at the right time). 

Turns out, I was wrong. The question was immediately replaced with another one: when are you going to have another child? What?! My daughter was less than 4 months old the first time I got that one. I don't think I was even fully recovered from her birth yet, for which I had to have surgery at 12 weeks postpartum. Another one? Surely you must be kidding. But no, people are not kidding. And the question persists. So, I would like to answer it.

For the record, this answer is not for close friends with whom this topic comes up naturally in conversation. And this answer is not for family who certainly have a legitimate interest in our children. This, rather, is for the casual acquaintances, the colleagues, and the, yes, strangers, who see me with my toddler and somehow feel it appropriate to ask me when I'm having a second child. The answer is... drum roll please... none of your business! The answer is also, however, that I don't know if or when I am having another child. But here are some of the reasons I'm not having one right now.

We are really enjoying our daughter. And we want to keep just enjoying her and our current family dynamic for a while before we consider altering it with another child. While we will undoubtedly love any future child(ren) with the same fierce and unconditional love we have for our daughter, right now we really like things the way they are. She has settled into a routine, we have settled into a routine, and after the chaos of the newborn stage and figuring out how to be parents, things feel comfortable and wonderful. The time is not right for us to add another child to our family, and that is reason enough not to.

We are financially comfortable. Right now I am able to stay home full time with my daughter, and we are still able to travel with her (she took more than 10 flights in her first year!), sign her up for lots of fun mommy and me classes and activities, and regularly save for her college education. Certainly we could afford to have another child, but it would dramatically change our budget to have a second child to feed, clothe, and put in diapers (oh so many diapers!). Right now we are in a good place financially raising just the child we have, and we are not eager at this moment to cross the budgeting bridge of becoming a family of four.

2013: a vessel for another

2015 belongs to me!! This is a big one, folks. That's why it gets two exclamation points. This might be TMI for some, but if you ask a TMI question, you get a TMI answer. For most of 2013, I was pregnant. I couldn't eat what I wanted or drink what I wanted most of the time. When I was sick or in pain, I was stuck with Tylenol and things like saline nasal spray instead of, you know, medications that might actually help. And speaking of pain, I was in a lot of it. I had a painful pregnancy and, though it was more than worth it in the end, I was uncomfortable most of the time. In 2013, my body belonged to my unborn child, and every decision I made, I made for her. 

 

Cheers to ME!

For the last month of 2013, and all of 2014, I was breastfeeding and/or pumping for my baby. So, while it's a lovely myth that you get your body back after pregnancy, I still couldn't really eat or drink whatever I wanted. Foods were chosen based on the effects they might have on milk supply. Any alcoholic drinks had to be carefully timed so as not to be too close to feeding or pumping. And, while I did at least get ibuprofen back in my life, I still couldn't take most medications for even things as simple as the common cold. So in 2014, my body belonged to my infant daughter. I finally stopped pumping on December 30, 2014, and in 2015, my body belongs to me. When I go out to eat, I order what I want without studying, Googling, or otherwise researching it to death. If I want a drink, I have one. If I am sick, I take medication. Whatever medication works best. It. Is. Glorious. I hear rumors that some women really enjoy being pregnant, but my friends, I am not one of them. I need this time to feel like my body is my own again. I am cherishing this time. And I am not ready for this time to end. So please, if you must ask when we are having a second child, save it until 2016.